even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
