Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
