Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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