i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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