she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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