I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
