God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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