i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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