CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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