Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
