my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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