you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
