I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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