i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
