new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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