I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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