My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?