if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
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I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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