my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza