I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery