and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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