Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
