Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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