Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
