Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
