Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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