So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How does one acquire holy water?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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