Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
