I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize