Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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