YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
