She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
