Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
