Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
