god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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