Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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