a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
