Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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