we made out on top of his cat.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom