i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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