What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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