I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
