Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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