I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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