I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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