Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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