my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
