And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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