god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The beer is more important than you right now.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
