Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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