Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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