I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Someone signed my nipple.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
