Please, let me fuck your mom
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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