I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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