Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
