I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
