If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
