I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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